If you have never had the honor of giving a toast at a wedding then keep reading . If you are a bride or groom deciding how many people should "say something" on the big day, keep reading. If you are the parent of the bride or groom, you too should keep reading.
There is a lot more to the toast than standing up, saying a few words and raising your glass. Here are the answers to typical questions I am often asked.
How many people should toast or speak at a wedding and whom should they be?
No more than 5!!! That may sound like a lot to some of you and not enough to others, but here's the breakdown:
The Welcome Toast: Traditionally given by the father-of-the-bride or the person paying for the wedding.
The Blessing: Typically given by your officiant, but you may choose whomever you wish.
The Best Man's Toast
The Maid / Matron of Honor's Toast
The Thank You: Often my couple's wish to thank their family and friends for coming and it is actually my favorite of the toasts.
*If you have a lot of people wanting to speak, use the rehearsal dinner for the open mic. The groom's parent's traditionally pay for the rehearsal dinner, so this is a great place for them to take center stage. Utilize the rehearsal for any of the bridal party or relatives that would also like to say something.
How long should toasts last?
Have you ever been to a wedding where mom gets the mic and starts her speech from the point her water broke and she was on her way to the hospital to deliver junior? Then 22 minutes later junior is now in college at spring break when he met his beautiful bride-to-be. It is not just mom, dads do it, Best Men do it and the occasional Maid / Matron of Honor as well. I completely understand that there is a lot of love we want to share on this day, but lengthy toasts kill the mood!
The key to maintain the event flow is to coach your toasters beforehand and give them a time limit. 2-3 minutes is optimal to keep your guests engaged. Some will be a bit shorter others longer, but a guideline will at least help.
When are toasts given during the reception and how much time will it take?
The first question to ask yourself is how many hours is your reception and do you prefer sitting and listening to people talk or do you actually want to get up, dance and enjoy all of these wonderful people that are here to celebrate you?
The typical reception is four hours, so I would allot 5 minutes for each person (ask the speakers to aim for 2 1/2 minutes). If you choose to go with my advice and have a maximum of 5 people toasting, 25 minutes is already accounted for in that four hour reception.
I personally like to break up the toasts, while other planners and emcees may like to get the speeches out of the way. A typical agenda for my clients starts with The Welcome Toast immediately followed by The Blessing. I then allow the salad service to begin and the main course to be served. Once the majority of people have finished their meal, I prepare for The Best Man and Maid / Matron of Honor's Toast. I am usually flexible with The Thank You, but traditionally should be done after the the Best Man and Maid / Matron of Honor. I to do it either after the cake cutting or the bouquet and garter because there is a lot of focus on the couple and it's a good transition to get the mic back to the emcee and get the party flow back.
*Do not schedule toasts during the meal because the majority of people will stop eating and their food will get cold by the time the toasts are over.
How do I gracefully cut off the mic hog?
If a couple is worried about this happening, I like to coach them how to gracefully take the mic away. I find it best when the bride, groom, or relative handles this themselves in a loving manner. When the "toaster" is rambling with no end in site, I suggest someone walk up and say, "you are too sweet" or "you are hilarious" while grabbing the mic, giving a big hug, and stealthily passing that mic back to the emcee. This goes over much better than myself or the DJ ripping the mic out of someone's hand.
What about liquid courage?
Having been in this position myself when I was the Maid of Honor, I had a couple cocktails to help relieve the nerves. I have never seen the video footage, but those drinks really gave me the confidence I needed to get through it. My only advice is to not overdo it.
What should I say?
The number one piece of advice I can give is to speak from the heart. You have not been asked to be the Best Man because of your speaking skills, you have been asked because you hold a special place in the couple's heart. Don't feel that you have to blow away the room with a comedy routine or an intellectual masterpiece about love. A simple story about the couple or your friendship is perfect. When in doubt of your ability, find a poem that fits your relationship and feelings.
How to prepare for a toast?
Please think about what you are going to say before the actual wedding day. Too often do I overhear the Best Man and Maid / Matron of Honor mention, "I don't even know what I am going to say!"
After you have decided "what to say" you need to think about the delivery. I am not a fan of anyone pulling out note cards or a wrinkled up piece of 8 1/2 x 11. If you HAVE to, then use the index card for bullet points, but don't write the entire speech. What happens is you end up reading off the card, never looking up and it doesn't come off heartfelt. It is best to memorize the toast or at least the main points. If you want to take it a step further, practice in front of the mirror to see your expressions and gestures. Remember, practice makes perfect!
I also prefer that the speaker stands near the couple so your guest can focus on the speaker as well as the expressions of the bride and groom. It is hard to accomplish this when the "toaster" is across the room next to the DJ.
PLEASE DO NOT...
- Bring up anything uncomfortable (dating history, the bachelor party, "not liking someone at first!")
- No inside jokes (sure they are hilarious between two people, but the other 150 people won't get it.)
- Pet names are cute, but any derogatory nicknames should be left alone for the day.
- This one is important! Please focus on the "two" of them. So many times I hear the person speaking only talk about their friend for 4 minutes and 55 seconds and the last 5 seconds the line "and since he's met you, he has never been more happy! Let's toast the new couple! Cheers!"
- Spring a speech on someone. Give people notice so they are prepared.
FABER'S TOAST POINTS:
I read an article in Real Simple Magazine, where Steve Faber, the screenwriter of "The Wedding Crashers," gave tips on the structure of a well written toast and that a toast is much like a movie. It needs a character arc and roughly five sections.
Background: Set the scene with a little background on your relationship and imply that the day's events mark a break point of sorts. "Samantha has been my best friend since we were 4 years old. We have dreamed about our wedding days and now hers has come."
Anecdote: Share an amusing yet meaningful anecdote. "Samantha has always had a huge heart. Her and I are both huge animal lovers, and growing up and you should have seen all of the creatures we would bring home."
Comic Relief: Insert comic relief with a light ribbing. "I'm not sure if any of you know this, but Samantha refused to wear a skirt, let alone a dress until she was in college and met Adam. Now look at her!"
Turning Point: Address the big turning point. "Who knew going to a Neil Diamond concert would change Samantha's life forever. Adam and his friends had seats right next to us and the two have been inseparable ever since."
Conclusion: Wrap up with a nod of support and invite guests to raise a glass. "The two of you are going to have so many adventures ahead, and many stories to tell. Everyone, please raise a glass to the newest chapter in Samantha and Adam's love story entitled The Newlyweds. I love you two! Cheers!"
Here are two of my favorite lines to close a toast:
"To Love, Laughter, and Happily Ever After!"
"May your eyes stay filled with stars and your hearts with visions of dreams yet to come."
I would love to hear from you if you have any additional questions that you would like answered.
Cheers!
Photo Credit: Jessica Bodas Photography and Pinterest
